I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
