wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
