I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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