"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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