Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
