so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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