when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
