come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize