Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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