I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
