she woke up with a sticky ear
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
