worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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