He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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