if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
