The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
