I think I died a long time ago.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
