I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What drink are we having for lunch?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
