just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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