You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
