i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
