One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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