I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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