no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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