I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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