I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
