i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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