Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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