it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
