whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
