Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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