Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
