Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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