Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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