She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I forget how to act sober
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
