I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize