who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
