Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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