i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
