Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
