Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
