No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
