Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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