She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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