How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
