I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
