My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There r osticjed everywhere
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
