Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
