im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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