Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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