Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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