the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
