remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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