I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
