Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
