I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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