He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
